Triel: Aspiring Paladin of Torm

[magustaliesin]

I have learned a lot today, and most of it was disturbing news. The Moon Festival was attacked, and many died. If Terenshan's report is understood the adventurers and soldiers present were returned to the world of the living with magic, but no mention of the citizens caught in the crossfire. I can't imagine people would raise others that have put their lives on the line of their own free will before bringing innocents back into the world. This bears more looking into. Any priest that would put the welfare of adventurers before innocents is seriously questionable. I just hope the report isn't complete in that regard.

The attack was carried out by agents of a dark Goddess. The word Shadovar was used, but I've not heard that term before. I will have to do more research into this. I believe they follow the one known as Shar, a group we have been having trouble with recently. Their cowardly attack on the revelers at the festival certainly fits the mold.

I was frustrated to hear that Leal was called to go after the Black Wolf while I was detained elsewhere. It's not her fault, obviously, but I had hoped to be there to help. Either way, I believe she was successful, though Terenshan says the Black Wolf escaped. I'll check with her soon to make sure the forester was recovered.

Terenshan and I delved into the mausoleum beneath Suzail as well today. He is a strong warrior, and devoted follower of his patron. More noble than many I've seen born to the title, and better at teamwork that most. I believe, if possible, he should be included whenever we can in our endeavors as he works well with others and I find no cause to question his virtue or morals. That is a rare thing around Cormyr currently.

[magustaliesin]

Why is it in our nature to lash out when faced with adversity? Is it insecurity in our own abilities or ideals that cause us to want to defend them violently? Is it simply the animal instinct to prove we are stronger, more cunning, or more fit to survive than another? Are we not thinking individuals who can decide what is right and wrong, or are we just animals, prone to our base instincts and unable to control them?

Recently Leal was challenged to a duel by a War Wizard. I can believe that Leal's forward and blunt nature led to the altercation, but that does not excuse it. Leal admits that she instigated it, and believes that the wizard had right, but I cannot agree with her. Even if duels are legal, the childish response to someone's insult or argument, the law of Cormyr should not be participating in them. What example does this show to the citizens? That if the law does not like the things you say they will beat you for it? Is assault, even legal assault, justified because someone insults you? Again, are we unthinking animals that cannot respond in kind to the adversity we face, or be better than it and not respond at all? Is the War Wizard so insecure that Leal's words had to be met with violence, to prove he is stronger? To me it only proved that he is weaker. An emotional animal unfit to be charged with the protection and security of the people of Cormyr.

I was faced with this same inner conflict shortly after that discussion. In an argument over what should be done about the recent attacks and theft of artifacts, Elizabeth lashed out with words intent to harm. She presumed much about what Leal was saying should be our plan in the matter, and how to proceed. Agree or not, she crossed the line when she questioned my faith, and called Leal's actions evil. I felt that anger rise in me, that desire to defend Leal and myself. It can only be natural, but as my mind turned to violent thought the image of my father came to mind. His face red from drink, and his fist raised against my mother who only wanted to know where he had been. Her words drove him to anger and violence. Her questions drove him to a dark place where lashing out was the only response he could see. The drink muddled his mind, and his lack of moral fiber caused him to choose the darker path.

I understand the desire to fight in defense of yourself, but I cannot agree that it is ever justified. I know not everyone sees the world as I do, but when I see someone threaten another because of the words they speak all I see is that face, and that fist, and those knuckles, bloodied from the beating my mother received, descending upon me because I dared to tell him to stop.

[magustaliesin]

Hypocrisy can be one of the most fatal stumbling blocks in our path following the light. We strive for such high ideals, such lofty goals, that we forget others cannot always follow. Worse yet, some preach, or demand these ideals of others without meeting those ideals themselves. It is a difficult line to tread, between being an example for others, and judging those who do not follow us. We are susceptible to base emotions, like any other, and when we let them rule us we begin to fall. When we demand others overcome the same failings while we can't, we fall farther.

Hate is one of these that is a plague on us all. It is easy to hate, to let the actions of others drag us down into the same dark path. I accept that not everyone is perfect, I am far from it. I do my best not to judge others that share the same flaws as I. I am prone to anger, but I keep it in check. Sometimes I lose patience with others, but I struggle to maintain it. I am quick to point out a bully, a coward, or a knave, all things that remind me of my father. I am careful not to judge others for these same failings, for it is a poor example of the path I walk if I expect others to overcome the same things I struggle with. That is a trap of many faithful, and why so many people look upon us with disdain, hatred, and lack of trust.

[magustaliesin]

Hate is often times confused with many other emotions. Some people label every negative emotion, directed at another individual, as hate as if it is a collection of bad things. Hate is by far a singular feeling, a unique emotion unto itself. It is not mistrust, rudeness, hostility or anger, those these emotions can be paired with hate one does not always indicate the other. Hate is also not apathy as the two cannot exist in the same context. Hate is the emotion we feel when we wish nothing but ill on another. It is outside the bounds of reason or justice. It is not always paired with war or vengeance, but it can be. You do not have to hate an enemy, but it is all too easy to do so.

Hate is a dark and powerful emotion that consumes the soul. It takes a conscious effort to wish another person ill rather than simply not caring for them at all. Hate drives one to throw away one's values and goodly morals in pursuit of quenching it. Hate lies to us, gives us justification for all manner of other evils, and many times causes us to become that which we hate. Hate is insidious and it is evil.

The most vile form of hate is that which bears no cause, or targets someone for another's transgressions. To hate a being because of the circumstances of their birth, or elements beyond their control is wrong. To hate someone because their brother did you wrong, or to hate a race because of the actions of some. That is darkness that can eat at the soul. Many hate me for what I am, and I find that some have good reason because of what others of my kind have done, but it does not make the emotion any less dark. The reason does not justify what some do in the name of hate. I pity those that let it consume them in this way.

No one is perfect, and we are all capable of this dark emotion. I struggle to keep this emotion out of my heart, and try not to pass judgement on others that feel these things. It is one of the easiest emotions to feel, takes no work on our parts, and can easily be overlooked for the damage it does to us. I think I gave up my hate when I forgave my father, and the people who burned the house that killed my mother. I pity them, for the eternity of torment that awaits should they continue such a hateful path. I pray that they find some measure of redemption before the end, but beyond that I put no mind to them for my time is better spent on other things. I cannot, in good conscience, judge another that struggles with this as well, but I will try to be an example, to help them, and hopefully see their lives more joyous in the end.

It is a conscious effort to not hate that which gives us reason to. As beings with will and conscience we are all capable of this effort. I find it is easier to avoid hate if I fill my life with love and duty. Love of friends, and of a lover. Duty to my faith, order, and patron. I combat the urge to hate with pity. I do not believe people are evil because they choose to be so. They have been lied to by some dark master or deity, lured into the dark by those who feed on others. They are caught up in the temptation of greed or power. I pity them for the joy and light that does not exist in their lives. I do not hate them, though, I hate what they do.

For those that wish to cast hate out of their lives there is a warning that I read during my research. "Do not trade hate for complacency or blind trust." I do not hate those that do evil, but I do battle them with everything I have, watch them with caution, or even send them to the hells if there is no other choice.

[magustaliesin]

Love, joy, and compassion; our greatest tools against the darkness that seems to be spreading in the land. Whether this fight has been the same forever, or grows worse in our time, there's no way to know. The upcoming weeding of Tonya and Pel will bring more of that light into this world. Love they have for each other, joy at the long road finally coming together, and compassion for those they have come to know as friends and acquaintances. It gives me hope for the future of all of Toril, that even when times are dark people will still find ways to light a candle.

This dark time has made many of us do things we wish we did not have to. I have always thought the life of a holy knight would be one of staunch defense of the weak, redemption of the wicked, and a measure of joy to see others benefit from the hard work. I did not believe it would be easy, or that life would be peaceful, but things have been far harder and less peaceful than I imagined. I look at my hands, stained with the blood of those who would seek to destroy and prey on the innocent. These hands were meant to write, to help, and to lift up, but oftentimes they have been used to end the life of another. When there is no other choice it must be done, but that belief does not make it easier. Others around me are more practical, or worse some even relish killing. I even heard one say that he used bandits as practice dummies. That level of disregard for life is disgusting, but sadly it is not uncommon. We all have our place in the world, and we must all walk our own path, though I am glad there are others that walk close or right beside me.

I am working to build a small measure of peace for Leal mostly, and myself. She showed me a cabin near the camp in the forest. There is a well, and an outbuilding that would make a fine chapel. It is modest, which is preferable for both of us, and secluded. I pray that here, for some few moments in our lives, we can find peace before we turn back to face the dark things. I know that our love is enough to keep us from despair, but this sanctuary will help greatly.

[magustaliesin]

The world has seemed to darken over the last few months in Cormyr. It began to feel like something terrible is on the horizon, and the forces of darkness and shadow were moving against the land. I had despaired that so few were here that would stand against the darkness with righteous cause rather than personal ambition, but I believe many are now being called to Cormyr with the Gods' purpose. I have heard tell of at least two others of the Triad, and I have met others. While many will fight this darkness if it benefits them, we now have more to join us because it is right. We must strive to uphold our calling and our vows, hold strong allies close, and defend the people we serve.

I think I will talk to all of the members of the Triad and gauge their thinking on starting an order of alliance here in Cormyr. We must be vigilant against the encroaching darkness, and help defend this land with our honor as well as our lives. We have all been called here for one reason or another, but in the end we are all here and I believe it is the will of the Three. There must be a purpose to it, and together I think we can all find that purpose. As it should be an agreement between the followers of the Three, I will seek out their counsel before petitioning the Lords for their sanction. I cannot imagine they would shun an offer of aid during this trying time in Cormyr so I have hope that we will be able to help.

My plans for Leal's surprise and our own measure of peace are progressing. I have the money, I just need to speak to the local land owners to petition for the use of it. It is in a long unused place, deep within the wood. I believe they will be agreeable, and am hopefully the building will not take too long. We must have peaceful respite at times, to remain strong against what we face.

[magustaliesin]

Once again I am reminded why I turned down a request to join the Purple Dragons. I watched Torgar, an honorable friend threaten Leal with arrest because she opposes the open worship of an evil deity. Disturbing the peace, he said, because some complained about the act. The law is the law and if she violates it the city will be in its right to do something, but how can those we've held as honorable allies support such an unjust law? Is the recovery of the dwarven home so important to Torgar that he would cast away the very friends that have sworn to aid in the task to garner favor with a regent who cannot? I may be 'dumb' as he put it, to fight evil in any way I can, but at least I will end my days knowing I did not compromise and bow to evil for any gain. If that is dumb, then I will bear that badge with honor because I don't know any other way.

I'm worried about Leal though. She's had some sort of dream or vision, and it's occupying her to distraction. I will help her however I can, but I'm worried about what it may do to her before we can figure it out. Hopefully soon we'll have time to sit and talk it through, as she doesn't seem inclined to share it with others.

[magustaliesin]

It's a bright light in the dark, the miracle of bringing children into the world. It is an opportunity for us to make them better people than we are so that they can make the world better than we did. The culmination of love, and the power of creation is so strong, so magical that is must be protected and cherished. I am so happy for Tonya and Pel, that they will see this miracle in their lives. The happiness is bitter sweet, but not lessened by my own pain. I will pray for them, and their unborn child, that they see through this dark time with safety and health so their light will help us push back.

The damage to my body, damage of my past, has taken that miracle from me forever. Perhaps one day, when I am gone, Leal will find herself part of that cycle of life, and I will look down upon her with such happiness I cannot imagine. I pray for all mothers, now and future, cherish your children. Protect them, guide them, and love them. They are your legacy, your chance to correct your mistakes, and set to a path better than the one you walked. Help them attain the life they want, and the life you did not have. They are a miracle.

This page in the journal is marred in a few spots by drops of liquid that hit the page before the ink dried.

[magustaliesin]

A disgrace, a poor example the zealous warlock called me, for defending the life of a woman the threatened to kill for no reason but her faith. He claimed I was defending pure evil, when I was only protecting a life that had shown no warrant for such a threat. I do not need to prove myself to someone so willing to kill because of their blind hatred. I do not need the justification of such a dark soul, but how do I deal with the anger I felt when Leal asked me to ignore all that and walk into danger with him? When we travel with others into danger we do not simply walk the same path. We put our safety and lives in their hands as much as we take theirs into ours. There must be some level of trust, some knowledge that if we fall into danger the other will be there to hold us up. She asked me to put my life and hers, our safety, into the hands of the simple-minded zealot. I am not angry at him, I pity people who's view is so narrow that they would commit evil and justify it with nothing but their hatred for a proclaimed faith or accident of birth. Yet, I was angry.

I am ashamed of that anger, and have done much to quell it. I have been insulted, abused, misjudged and attacked all my life for what I am, or what I do. I have grown used to it, and I know that Leal does not understand. It was not her intention to cause pain, she only sought to mediate what she saw as a disagreement between two people. She saw it as making peace, but I will stand more firm next time. Our duties will not always run parallel, and our paths will sometimes diverge. I will remember that next time, and I will not compromise my duty or my honor when the task is nothing more than a foray into a den of monsters that have posed no immediate threat to innocent life.

[magustaliesin]

How can we fight the incessant waves of evil, darkness, and corruption day in and day out without losing ourselves? I've started to wonder if fighting is the right path, if maybe we should be living the embodiment of peace if that is what we want to attain. I go out, patrol, fight, and work to keep back the dark but am I really keeping it back? I grind away at the stone that seems to just regrow every day, and I see no sign of an end, no advancement of the light. Is Torm truly my calling, or do I favor the path of his tearful brother? I just don't know. I don't know if I can continue to fight and kill when it all seems pointless.

[magustaliesin]

Paths sometimes diverge, we know that. It's sad, but we both have duties beyond this world, and masters above ourselves. My training cannot continue, and my path must go to Tantras. I do not know where this path will carry me, but I must walk it.